Off to Beirut

For 2 days, then both Rania and achinar will be back...

Did you know that...

You’re a pillar to me

You make difference in my life

You always appear when I need support

You make me want to be a better person

Sometimes I feel guilty because of all the mood swings I put you through

Then I discover that you’re the only one I allow myself to do whatever I want without thinking twice

Did you know that…. I missed you too

I miss you

Ma bonniche

I’m sad today. I’d just put done the phone with mom. I couldn’t help it I burst in tears. Mona is gone. She asked permission last week to go see her sick sister in Al Ain, yesterday she called saying that she needs to go back to Ethiopia with her sick sister.

I’m sad, very sad that she left, I got used to her. She’s only been here for six weeks but I’m hurt. I have been asking my friend Jiji for a “bonniche” for sometime and when she came last month, although my family was here and it was difficult to fit her in my one bedroom, I couldn’t afford to let her go. She was a good catch, neat, clever and a good cook. My mom trained her for a week before she went back to Beirut.

When I first saw Mona I was surprised, she’s very small in size, how could she be as good as jiji described? She called her a Fernayneh saying that she was handling a 5 bedroom villa on her own… Mona was a clever girl indeed, she immediately took responsibility for everything at home. In addition to the cleaning that she does without any guidance, she also washes and irons all my clothes, I don’t need to send anything to laundry, and the clothes smell much better and feel way more soft than when they come from the laundry. The best thing was her cooking capacities. She was not a cook, I mean when she tried to cook some chicken on her own it was not really spectacular. But no matter how complicated is the dish I’m preparing, she can do it with the slightest guidance. The other day I just explained how to do the moujaddarah and when I came home it was ready!

I firstly had difficulties having a stranger with me. I couldn’t look at her straight in the eyes, I was a bit shy. I haven’t had a bonniche before. It’s difficult to live with a strange person. At the beginning, Mona was very attentive. Obviously that’s how she gets to know me better in order to give me a better service. Well, she did a great job. I knew that, but still I was a bit at unease when she comes and takes my dish. I felt a bit uncomfortable when she brought my quilt. I’m not used to be served by anyone but my mom, or at least someone that I love if you know what I mean. Slowly after my mom went back to Beirut I started getting attached to her. Sometimes I called her Habibti. Some other times I asked her to be the judge in my fight with Walid, my younger brother. She was sweet.

When I spoke with her this evening she was almost crying. I know that it sounds silly to confess that I’m devastated and crying. But I am. I always play very carefully when I let in anybody into my life, a friend or a lover, but with Mona I was not prepared. I completely forgot how I easily grow dependant on people and how it hurts to loose those ones….

تعال

سألتني أو تحبينني يا طفلة
أجبتُ أو يسأل عالمٌ طفلة؟
قلتَ أجبيني, ففطرة الأطفال لأبلغ من علم العلامة
قلتُ لئن قرأت في عينيّ لوجدت بحراً من الردود

أنا الحب والهوى والجنون
أنا الشوق والمنى والظنون
أنا الوهم والأسى والنفس الحنون
أنا الغرام المتئد بلفتة العيون

أنا الألم والنشوة معاً
أنا الحزن الممزوج بالغبطة
أنا الأمان المحفوف بالقلق
أنا البسمة المكللة بالدموع

أنا أنفاسك, خطواتك, نظرة عينيك
أنا ظلّك, فرحك و ترحك
أنا تابعك و مدارك
أنا نورك ومنارك
فلا تسل إن السؤال يبهت بريق السحر
تعال وكفى....

أريدك, أريدك, أريدك
أحبك, أحبك, أحبك
أنتظرك, أنتظرك, أنتظرك
تعالى, تعالى, تعالى
ولكن تعال, تعال, تعال
أنا لا أكفر بالمصير, المصير, المصير
فأنا حبي كبير, كبير,كبير
تعال وإلا فسوف أسير, أسير, أسير

Ramadan Kareem

بدي هنّي الكل بحلول شهر رمضان المبارك ولكل اللبنانيي انشالله هالشهر بيأربنا من بعضنا وبيبيعد عنا أشباح الحرب. أما لكل اللي ناويين يصومو فبئلون ألله يتأبل

Flash back

Yesterday we went to Tradervics in Madinat Jumeirah, they have the most amazing drinks and a “not so bad” music band. Although we could barely hear each other, a couple of Daiquiris and the table was in such a harmony. Of course there was the star of the nigh, as every night, Soraya , the most beautiful, the most intellectual, the sexiest, the funniest, the meanest of all women, girls and baby-borns, or at least that’s how she perceive herself… Anyway Soraya again started talking about the hottest subject, herself, and this time about her “Alexandrov” night in Beirut where she had a couple of this “legendary” Vodka and she went “bananas” (well, she doesn’t need the Alexandrov for that, but….); she recalled everything in her life and opened all the good and bad memories…

And I remembered: I don’t have memories. It’s not that I don’t remember, but things do not jump to my mind every now and then, I don’t recall things, not even what happened to me last year, nothing. I’m so into now, and I sometimes feel that I have no roots. That’s why I’m thriving to get my memories back; it’s my wealth and legacy…
Have I told you about my friend Michael before? No? I’m so happy for him, I’ll tell you his story later, he‘s finally hooked to the right person after a long story with a Moroccan bitch who drained his brain, heart and pocket. But anyway this is not what I want to talk about in this post…

Michael is Canadian, and once we were talking about TV shows and pop stars of the 80’s. He went talking about sit coms talk shows, songs etc etc…. Well, I couldn’t recognize anybody of whom he was talking about, and he was puzzled how come I don’t know all these “very famous” people. It is true that we grew up in 2 different worlds but I was worried, where were I 17 years back, I had a totally blank memory I felt embarrassed I couldn’t call anything to my mind, what happened at that time who were my “heros”, how was I spending my time…. Nothing I didn't remember. He didn’t give me any clue; I didn’t recognize anybody about whom he was talking.

A few days later, I was watching TV, and here goes Simon Asmar, the very famous pan arab star maker. They were talking about LBC and all the shows he did since its opening. All of a sudden, as if a window’s opened in my mind and I remembered my adolescence, school days, all the shows I used to watch all the things I used to do, I remembered friends, songs, books, I remember my dad and mom, and Walid my little brother, remembered how I used to fight with Othman, I was very aggressive with him (and everybody actually!), how I used to study, to day dream, I remembered my cloths, how I used to do my hair, how many hearts I broke, little tiny mini conspiracies….and I realized that I was alive at that time, a lot of going on’s….
At that time I was very romantic, I was living in the clouds, I used to read like anything, days and nights in books, this was the era of naguib mahfouz, girgi zeidan, Mikhael Naimeh, al moutanabi, Al Jahez…anything and everything Arabic that I come across, and my father’s library helped me a lot, I read it all, and I flew away of my reality to some other worlds where I was the author, the director and the hero…
Then the window was closed, and I’m back to my day to day.

Annousheh said that she only remembers good and bad things, she doesn’t remember the day-to-day things of her adolescence, while Soray every single detail of her life is present with her all the time.

How does a mind function? God it is very difficult to discover: logically speaking I should at least remember good things if we agree that the memory is selective and it tends to eliminate anything that it doesn’t like…. I can’t have bad days all my life and that’s why I don’t recall them, it just can’t be, but I ain’t complaining, I do appreciate my piece of mind, and if I have to remember, I do it, It’s not an amnesia, god forbid!!! I appreciated these flash backs, it was so refreshing, vivid, I felt rich and warm.

And here I am having a flash back of a flash back
Never mind my drivels; I just miss being in love again

Another moment

I remember that day when my mom was peeling zucchini (I love her so much when she cooks; she does it with so much love). She was sitting in the living area, and watching TV I guess; I came and gave her a kiss on the cheek and looked in her eyes, what’s up mom? Any gossiping for today? We were such a great couple… maybe that’s normal between mothers and daughters?? I don’t know but what I’m sure of is that she was my best friend….

I had just come from an interview.

I still remember these days when I thought that I own the world…
I was very happy with myself and the major I was studying at college; I learned a lot from the French literature indeed, it developed my mind in a dramatic way. It was very tough though since I was not used to the French way of thinking: I did a Lebanese baccalaureate.
Anyways, at that time I was so happy, going to the university was a joy. I carried a luxurious life: all my classes were in the afternoon, from 2:30 to 6 so I made the most of my mornings and also my evenings….
I used to wake up late have an extensive Nescafe “sobhieh” with mom, make sure that I’m a beauty queen before I step out of the house, and then go, confront life with a pretty face and a naïve heart.
At college, sitting in the cafeteria or playing cards and nerd at the next-door coffee shop, or even relaxing on the ISEAV stairway and watching the world goes by, all of this was more than enough to fill me with contentment. Did I have plans at that time? I don’t remember? Maybe that’s why I was happy? Perhaps…

In classes it was a totally different story, I was not extremely competent and I was not used to be not “extremely competent”. Well, let’s say that Makassed’s French was not the best ever, and also, I was relatively young with no experience in life, and believe me, when you study human sciences at the Jesuits, life experience and understanding is all that counts. In fact, I realized that approximately everybody in class, were a way older and much more mature than me….
But anyway, I enjoyed it; I was like a kid who’s opening his eyes to a totally new world. The good thing about literature is that being an art makes you love it, admire it and at the same time learn the hell out of it. Well, yes I learned a lot, my life would have never been the same without this fundamental phase that witnessed the forging of my personality: Yes in classes, yes in theory and through a full of roses fence, I got to know what people spend a lifetime to know. Although I was never the best student in class, my scientific background gave me a kind of push. In fact, my mind was ready for rational thinking and that’s all what I needed in order to know in depth, what this major was about. That’s why; despite of my ineptitude I was able to have an input and leave a mark in classes…. or maybe because I liked it so much?? Don’t know.

That day I was coming from an interview with the head of an educational institute; I was going to teach French for technical student.
I was 19 years old, and about to finish my second year of university and get my diploma. I did the language proficiency test, and sat in front of the manager with the paper for the interview. Somehow the guy was overwhelmed, I saw admiration in his eyes, and I felt desire in his attitude. But I was not uncomfortable, he himself was also young (not very young, maybe late 20s early 30s) handsome and polite. I was a pretty face, that’ right, and also I went into a small debate with him about how can I control a class of guys who were the same of my age and maybe elder.
Well, I don’t recall the details, by I gave him the impression that if I can control the conversation with him, the director, and come out victorious, I could control a class of 20 kid; being close to their age will help me understand the way they think, and being pretty will incite them to study more to impress me!!! After all, it doesn’t matter how old you are: if you have a personality to run a class, you will run the class, and if you don’t, being older or less attractive will not help you much.
I came out triumphant indeed, and walked my way home radiant; the cold winter breeze made me feel even better, it was a beautiful sunny day.

I reached home, and saw mom with her zucchinis, I was out the whole morning, so I definitely missed some news or gossiping, or at least an appointment for a “3ariss” since at that period, our “salon” was like a banquet room in a busy hotel, every day a couple of “3irssan” (morning, afternoon, evening, sometimes late evenings, whatever…) come to check me out, the hot merchandise.
Mom looked at me with her clear brown eyes, kissed me back and asked me: “Roro, do you wanna work for Middle East Airlines?” Without any hesitation, I said: “Yes I do”

Lesson number 3258and 1

Nadia you’re hurt because you had expectations, otherwise you wouldn’t give a flying fuck! What do you expect from a person whom you met on the net, they are either freak or they consider fooling around the net freaky, so they act like freaks!!!! He admitted that most of what he told you was just a lie; he was having fun and didn’t expect this relation to go out of the web so he just invented things. Probably nothing of what he said is true, you never know.

Maybe I had expectations that’s right, maybe I thought that since we’re both looking for friendship we could be friends. I like to talk to people, and regardless of his honesty he was interesting, he was a very potential friend. I don’t have males around me and I really wanted to be friends with him, it’s very different to be friend with a male, especially when sex is not on your agenda. I just wanted to talk, to commune, to share experiences, ideas, hobbies and maybe worries and sorrows…. I needed a male around me; I wanted a friend whom I can rely on and vice-versa.
Although Issam was separated, he was still in love with his wife and I encouraged him to fight for her, he seemed deeply in love and I thought that it is just a shame to let go your beloved people without fighting. He appreciated my advice and acted accordingly. He said that he managed to convince her to come back with him, and on his next visit to London they will put it into action. I did respect that and admired it. I felt proud of him and myself………….

When I first met him, he looked different than what I expected, much younger and more innocent than I anticipated. I don’t know why I felt responsible for him. I tried to keep low profile; I tried to shade my sexuality, to look like a friend and not like a date, simple cloth, a jeans, and no make up…. But what can I do with myself?? That’s me! I turn guys on!!!! My God, is it me or it’s everybody? They just switch when they’re with me!!! I didn’t laugh, I didn’t give the naughty look, no sizzle at all, I didn’t seduce. I didn’t try to. But still I turned him on, I definitely didn’t work on it, and honestly I didn’t see it coming….. He said that he didn’t either.

I had one concern, he’s trying to go back to his wife, I don’t want to agitate his mind, didn’t want to distract his concentration on how he could win back the woman he loves with the ghost of another woman.
When it came to me, I don’t have sex with my friends, and I don’t encourage it, it could easily blow the relationship away if both parts are not mature enough, but it’s not the end of the world, and it wouldn’t change the nature of the relation if both parties understand. To the contrary, one can understand the other much more and won’t be haunted by his sexual desire, so his mind becomes clearer. One would see what he wants from the other person properly and with no obsessions.

I liked him. During the movie, he was so childishly romantic; I’ve never been romantic or childish, it was tickling: he was watching me, not the movie; he slept on my shoulder. I thought maybe he’s tired, or maybe because he’s seen the film before, but then he started flirting. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but was looking at me and shooting a kiss on my cheek every 2 minutes. He was like kids who just cannot help themselves from looking at the chocolate cake their mom is preparing so they try to taste even before it’s ready. Oh yes, that definitely turned me on. I had this tingly feeling at the back of my neck and the bottom of my back. I wanted to hold him close to my chest to put his head between my breasts.
After the movies he invited himself for a tea, my place was just upstairs the movie theatre. I accepted, offered him vodka instead. I was very tensed, so was he. I asked him if he was sure, if this would not disturb him in any way. He was confident.

Oh yes, I had some expectations, I couldn’t help it; I expected to maintain the rhythm of the relation: to call, to communicate, to talk, I expected him to tell me that he’s going away, at least to say "good bye, will see you in a month time". I didn’t expect to change the nature of our relation, we were going to a friendship and I had an idea of how friends are; one of my friend’s characteristics was that they are available and reachable when I might need them.

He was not.

One more time I was wrong…. Poor little me I still have a lot to learn.

One more time Nadia, do not expect anything, zero, none, nil, nothing and I can guarantee you, you won’t get hurt.

Lesson number 3258and 1

Another day in the fort..

I miss you so much my love, only the thought of you being always there for me makes my horrible days pass smoothly, no hick-ups… I miss your voice, I miss the fragrance of your perfume, I miss you hairy hands and strong legs. I miss the way you look at me, the way you pat on my shoulders as if I was a small girl. I miss the way we steal our happy moments from the whole world. With you I’m always 12 years old. With you I’m always ignorant, naïve. Every little thing makes me laugh, every little thing makes me cry, every little thing makes me excited...

Yesterday when I was out with my husband I nearly called him by your name. I was seeing you in every act and every move. I dressed up for you, I was beautiful for you, I put on your perfume and you were with me all the time. Nabil never understands why I wear the Chanel men's perfume, I tell him that there is nothing called men perfume and women perfume, nice fragrances do not have sex. I’m lying, I always lie...

Nabil was trying to make up with me after the fierce fight we had in the morning. We rarely fight, but I can’t tolerate anymore how soft he is with our eldest Rami. Rami came back yesterday at six o’clock in the morning. For god’s sake he’s not 18 years old yet. On the other hand he’s being so cruel with Louloua, he didn’t want to throw a big party for her 16th birthday, saying that it’s not a good time with the Lebanese war and everything. Well tough luck, my little princess will always have the best birthday parties ever... Out of question!!

So yesterday he took me out for dinner at The Blue Elephant. He was trying hard to please me and honestly I didn't want to put him dow. So I dressed up. I put on the short black dress we bought in our little getaway to Paris this summer and the golden Gucci sandals I got during the sales in Kuwait. I had to look beautiful, I had to be sexy. I had to project the faithful wife’s image. Nabil was trying to be nice all night. Not that he’s never nice, at the contrary, for the past three years he's always been nice. But yesterday he was trying to make it up for me, and here comes the extra dose of "being nice". He promised to be more firm with Rami and promised to organise the best party for Louloua. He was very sweet, very romantic, very considering. He got me a single red rose and a small white Godiva chocolate. And during the dinner he excused himself, when he came back, he surprised me with a beautiful Harry Winston pendant. He must have paid a fortune. I was very content, very happy, but I did not see him not even once, during the whole night. Ahmad, you know that I love Nabil, I care for him, I would never do anything that would ever hurt him, especially with his condition, but I just cant be with him. Sometimes I curse myself for not having any more lust for him, sometimes I curse him, for God’s sake Nabil what did you see in the 13 years old me? I didn’t even have a breast! Whatever… Anyways my love, yesterday when he asked me out, I didn’t want to argue much, my old man is counting the days. So I smoked a joint, made myself pretty as ever, put your Chanel perfume on my skin, my hair, my dress and my shawl. Then, when I was loaded with your soul all around me, I went to the dinner ready to be romanced by the stone.