10 days

10 days now since I opened the subject with him, and my fire is still the same.
Should I give it more time or should I do something? What to do in any case?
What fire am I talking about? Where is it coming from?
Well, I’m sad and I feel hurt, not that he hurt me, he didn’t….
Did I hurt myself? Maybe I did, but what the fuck, I have to stop avoiding being hurt!

I don’t know why I’m crying all the time and I don’t know why I’m so sad, but I know what made me feel hurt: “you want the I love you, I miss you…the cute feeling that I got you and you got me. We are not lovers….” I was offended, felt so bad about it, and the fact it was the truth, made it worse.

Did I love him?
I don't think I did, so why the fact that we are no lovers hurts me? Didn’t I know that?
Well I knew that we are not lovers, but I wanted to be lovers, and he took this dream away. What’s worse than losing a dream?
Maybe that’s why I don’t dream, I only have plans, no dreams, if the plan doesn’t work, I change it, but dreams if you lose them, that’s it….. So I just don’t dream, it’s safer.

You know, I didn’t print his emails when I went to Cairo, not that I didn’t want to, but the printer was down, and I couldn’t reach them while there, but they were in my mind, repeating them over and over again, without knowing why I’m still on fire.
I cant act as if I’m ok, and even if I can I don’t want to, I want to stop pretending that everything is under control and it’s fine… I cannot control my sadness and I’m not fine, I was acting all the time in Cairo, and in my brothers wedding I had the largest smile on my face, was wearing the most beautiful dress and acting like a princess, I didn’t stop dancing although I didn’t feel like and I didn’t want to, but I love my brother more than being different on his wedding, so I was the Nada everybody knows, flying from one table to another welcoming people, checking if everything is fine and inviting them to dance. I enjoyed the look on my younger brother’s eyes, how proud he was, how happy that his brother’s getting married and he’s got a cool sister who was all the time dancing with his friends, how could I take this from him, his happiness is all what I got.
Cairo was beautiful, I had to see my friends, and we had to talk about everything and I had to got to restaurants, coffee shops and night clubs, I had to, but deep inside I just wanted to reach bed to start crying and whenever no one is there to catch my tears, they just jump and I pretend that the mascara hurts or it’s too smoky…
Didn’t have any feelings to the city, or the Nile although I'm quite romantic about it and you know that. Even when I came back, it was the same, as if nothing happened, so neutral…

I want to talk to him, but I don’t wanna say anything, I can’t talk to him about people, life, society, when I feel deep inside that I’m not ok, when I feel that I’m still hurt. I don’t know what to do….