Another day in the fort..

I miss you so much my love, only the thought of you being always there for me makes my horrible days pass smoothly, no hick-ups… I miss your voice, I miss the fragrance of your perfume, I miss you hairy hands and strong legs. I miss the way you look at me, the way you pat on my shoulders as if I was a small girl. I miss the way we steal our happy moments from the whole world. With you I’m always 12 years old. With you I’m always ignorant, naïve. Every little thing makes me laugh, every little thing makes me cry, every little thing makes me excited...

Yesterday when I was out with my husband I nearly called him by your name. I was seeing you in every act and every move. I dressed up for you, I was beautiful for you, I put on your perfume and you were with me all the time. Nabil never understands why I wear the Chanel men's perfume, I tell him that there is nothing called men perfume and women perfume, nice fragrances do not have sex. I’m lying, I always lie...

Nabil was trying to make up with me after the fierce fight we had in the morning. We rarely fight, but I can’t tolerate anymore how soft he is with our eldest Rami. Rami came back yesterday at six o’clock in the morning. For god’s sake he’s not 18 years old yet. On the other hand he’s being so cruel with Louloua, he didn’t want to throw a big party for her 16th birthday, saying that it’s not a good time with the Lebanese war and everything. Well tough luck, my little princess will always have the best birthday parties ever... Out of question!!

So yesterday he took me out for dinner at The Blue Elephant. He was trying hard to please me and honestly I didn't want to put him dow. So I dressed up. I put on the short black dress we bought in our little getaway to Paris this summer and the golden Gucci sandals I got during the sales in Kuwait. I had to look beautiful, I had to be sexy. I had to project the faithful wife’s image. Nabil was trying to be nice all night. Not that he’s never nice, at the contrary, for the past three years he's always been nice. But yesterday he was trying to make it up for me, and here comes the extra dose of "being nice". He promised to be more firm with Rami and promised to organise the best party for Louloua. He was very sweet, very romantic, very considering. He got me a single red rose and a small white Godiva chocolate. And during the dinner he excused himself, when he came back, he surprised me with a beautiful Harry Winston pendant. He must have paid a fortune. I was very content, very happy, but I did not see him not even once, during the whole night. Ahmad, you know that I love Nabil, I care for him, I would never do anything that would ever hurt him, especially with his condition, but I just cant be with him. Sometimes I curse myself for not having any more lust for him, sometimes I curse him, for God’s sake Nabil what did you see in the 13 years old me? I didn’t even have a breast! Whatever… Anyways my love, yesterday when he asked me out, I didn’t want to argue much, my old man is counting the days. So I smoked a joint, made myself pretty as ever, put your Chanel perfume on my skin, my hair, my dress and my shawl. Then, when I was loaded with your soul all around me, I went to the dinner ready to be romanced by the stone.