Lesson number 3258and 1

Nadia you’re hurt because you had expectations, otherwise you wouldn’t give a flying fuck! What do you expect from a person whom you met on the net, they are either freak or they consider fooling around the net freaky, so they act like freaks!!!! He admitted that most of what he told you was just a lie; he was having fun and didn’t expect this relation to go out of the web so he just invented things. Probably nothing of what he said is true, you never know.

Maybe I had expectations that’s right, maybe I thought that since we’re both looking for friendship we could be friends. I like to talk to people, and regardless of his honesty he was interesting, he was a very potential friend. I don’t have males around me and I really wanted to be friends with him, it’s very different to be friend with a male, especially when sex is not on your agenda. I just wanted to talk, to commune, to share experiences, ideas, hobbies and maybe worries and sorrows…. I needed a male around me; I wanted a friend whom I can rely on and vice-versa.
Although Issam was separated, he was still in love with his wife and I encouraged him to fight for her, he seemed deeply in love and I thought that it is just a shame to let go your beloved people without fighting. He appreciated my advice and acted accordingly. He said that he managed to convince her to come back with him, and on his next visit to London they will put it into action. I did respect that and admired it. I felt proud of him and myself………….

When I first met him, he looked different than what I expected, much younger and more innocent than I anticipated. I don’t know why I felt responsible for him. I tried to keep low profile; I tried to shade my sexuality, to look like a friend and not like a date, simple cloth, a jeans, and no make up…. But what can I do with myself?? That’s me! I turn guys on!!!! My God, is it me or it’s everybody? They just switch when they’re with me!!! I didn’t laugh, I didn’t give the naughty look, no sizzle at all, I didn’t seduce. I didn’t try to. But still I turned him on, I definitely didn’t work on it, and honestly I didn’t see it coming….. He said that he didn’t either.

I had one concern, he’s trying to go back to his wife, I don’t want to agitate his mind, didn’t want to distract his concentration on how he could win back the woman he loves with the ghost of another woman.
When it came to me, I don’t have sex with my friends, and I don’t encourage it, it could easily blow the relationship away if both parts are not mature enough, but it’s not the end of the world, and it wouldn’t change the nature of the relation if both parties understand. To the contrary, one can understand the other much more and won’t be haunted by his sexual desire, so his mind becomes clearer. One would see what he wants from the other person properly and with no obsessions.

I liked him. During the movie, he was so childishly romantic; I’ve never been romantic or childish, it was tickling: he was watching me, not the movie; he slept on my shoulder. I thought maybe he’s tired, or maybe because he’s seen the film before, but then he started flirting. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but was looking at me and shooting a kiss on my cheek every 2 minutes. He was like kids who just cannot help themselves from looking at the chocolate cake their mom is preparing so they try to taste even before it’s ready. Oh yes, that definitely turned me on. I had this tingly feeling at the back of my neck and the bottom of my back. I wanted to hold him close to my chest to put his head between my breasts.
After the movies he invited himself for a tea, my place was just upstairs the movie theatre. I accepted, offered him vodka instead. I was very tensed, so was he. I asked him if he was sure, if this would not disturb him in any way. He was confident.

Oh yes, I had some expectations, I couldn’t help it; I expected to maintain the rhythm of the relation: to call, to communicate, to talk, I expected him to tell me that he’s going away, at least to say "good bye, will see you in a month time". I didn’t expect to change the nature of our relation, we were going to a friendship and I had an idea of how friends are; one of my friend’s characteristics was that they are available and reachable when I might need them.

He was not.

One more time I was wrong…. Poor little me I still have a lot to learn.

One more time Nadia, do not expect anything, zero, none, nil, nothing and I can guarantee you, you won’t get hurt.

Lesson number 3258and 1